How People-Pleasing Is Making You Ill | Ep 8

I talk about how constantly trying to please others can take it's toll on your mental and physical health. Feeling the pressure to meet everyone’s expectations can lead to stress, anxiety, and even burnout, making boundary-setting even more important. I share practical tips for breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing and prioritising your own well-being. 

Take the quiz! What's Your People-Pleaser Personality? and discover my 6 step method to unlocking Clarity, Change and Freedom so you can say yes to the real you - without anxiety and guilt.

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Visit my website for more information, resources and details on how to work with me https://www.charlottebaileytherapies.com/

Transcript

Hi and welcome to Let's Talk People Pleasing. I'm Charlotte. I'm an experienced therapist and a former anxious people pleaser. And I help people discover and address the root cause of their people pleasing so that they can start saying no without anxiety and guilt. So let's get started. Hello and welcome to today's episode.

I'm going to be talking about something that is so central to the lives of people pleasers, as I know from past experience, and that is self sacrifice and how it doesn't just impact you emotionally or behaviorally. But physically as well, and we'll explore how neglecting your own needs consistently often leads to long term health issues.

And most importantly, I'll guide you through some practical steps to help you start prioritizing yourself with hopefully a little less guilt as well. So if you've been running on empty, pushing your own health to the back burner and prioritizing everyone else. Sake of your own wellbeing. This episode is for you.

I'll also touch on how therapy can be helpful and how it can help alleviate some of these emotional and physical symptoms as well. A lot of people think of people pleasing as just an emotional or a behavioral habit. But what often gets overlooked is it's real tangible impact on the body. We might all know the idea of self care and how important it is to implement these things that we see on Instagram all the time, especially if you deal with chronic pain or long term health conditions.

And sometimes it just gets overlooked that if we are people pleasers, we're just not used to tuning in to what we want and need, or it just doesn't feel It just doesn't even cross our mind that we need to say no to people, to make time for ourselves, to put in place certain self care practices that we know on one level will actually be helpful to us.

And I consider, and I think I talk a lot on Instagram about how connected the mind and body are. It's not just about thinking differently, it's about feeling differently. And when we constantly prioritise other people and neglect our own needs, the effects, as I'm sure you're aware, can really take a toll on our physical health.

It's almost like your body's quietly sending you these messages and signals, saying, please stop, I've had enough now. But when you ignore those signals for too long, or even if it's not consciously ignoring it, you're just not picking up on it and connecting the two. It does eventually force you to stop, whether it's through burnout, chronic pain, or an illness that you just can't shift, or just constantly feeling run down.

It's just not sustainable to keep going at the same pace where you're just doing everything for everyone. Even if you've been doing it for years or decades, it's gonna catch up with you eventually, if it hasn't already. And I know it's horrible to hear that. But it's just a fact that it's likely going to catch up with you at some point or another.

So one way, one key way really that self sacrifice shows up in the body is through the hormone cortisol. So as humans, we're built to handle short bursts of stress. So our bodies are built to have short bursts of stress. The hormone cortisol released within it, it alerts us to something that we need to take action on basically, and it helps us manage challenges.

But if you're someone who constantly puts others first and feels like you're always under pressure, you're here, there, everywhere, doing everything for everyone, you feel under pressure to meet their expectations, just think your body's not getting a break, is it? It's constantly running on high alert and hypervigilance, looking for the next thing you have to do.

And with that. It's about considering how you're not actually getting a break from the cortisol that's being released. And that's when things can start to go wrong because prolonged exposure to elevated cortisol levels can affect your body in a lot of different ways. And it can like suppress your immune system, mess with your energy levels, everything's out of sync.

And it affects your nervous system, putting it into often a constant state of fight or flight mode. Yeah. So you might notice symptoms like fatigue, muscle tension, or chronic pain flaring up more if you're susceptible to that. And if you're someone with a condition like fibromyalgia, say, then, it's documented that stress can trigger flare ups, making your pain and sensitivity to pressure even worse.

When you're constantly in that people pleasing mode, your body's literally holding tension because like I say, you're so preoccupied with doing the next thing for the next person or holding the burden and the role of. Being the responsible one for your family or for your friends or at work, it's an emotional burden you carry and you're going to feel tense and your muscles are going to become tight and sore and you're going to be knackered basically from it.

So it's no surprise is it that people who overextend themselves often experience This sense of deep, unrelenting exhaustion, and I constantly like just feeling run down. And in terms of that, when I talk about energy depletion and immune function, it's because they're key parts of this dynamic. So the cortisol isn't just linked to stress and tension, it also has a huge impact on your energy levels.

So initially, when the cortisol is released, it gives you that burst of energy, it primes you for action, and it helps you to power through a stressful situation. But when the stress is constant, that's not what we're built for. So it's often the case that the energy boost wears off. And you can be left with burnout and your adrenal system becomes exhausted as well.

So it can contribute to conditions like chronic fatigue syndrome, where the body just does not have the energy to keep up with the demands you're placing on it. And you can imagine if from that it just has such an impact on other systems within your body as well. So it can suppress your immune system, making it harder for you to fight off illnesses.

People pleasers often find themselves getting sick more frequently or taking longer to recover. And I know from working with people that they can relate to this. But also from personal experience, I was, known within my friendship group and well by anyone who knew me basically I was known for always getting ill oh you're ill again I'd often get commented if I said I was feeling rubbish I just like I'd be near like any hint of someone having a virus and I would get it you know and I was yeah I was always pushing through illnesses because I felt too bad to ring in sick and then it prolonged the illness.

Just wouldn't stop because I'd feel guilty. I'd feel like I was letting people down. But when you're constantly pouring your energy into others and ignoring your own wellbeing, Your body just does not have the resources to heal. And then, obviously the emotional stress can make conditions like chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia so much worse as well.

Many people report symptoms getting worse when they're emotionally drained or got something going on in life. And, which is exactly what happens when you're constantly trying to please everyone around you, you do become emotionally drained. It's not just the physical act, is it, of running around after everyone.

It's the emotional load that you carry in as well with it. I was leading up to this, but this is why setting boundaries isn't just about protecting your emotional health. It's about protecting your physical health too. So for those of you who might have chronic pain or long term health conditions, it's even more essential, but it's essential for all of us.

When you let go of that need to please others, you're basically giving your body the time and space it needs to rest and recover. It's about reducing your stress response, not just emotionally but biologically. And I hope with me saying that and you listening to this, it just helps you reframe the idea from prioritizing yourself as selfish in some way, to seeing it as necessary for you.

Physical well being as well as emotionally, thinking of it as saying no to others equals saying yes to your health. It's about making space for that time to recover and for restoration and for a life that's not driven by constantly being on high alert and hypervigilance or anxiety or fear of disappointing others.

So you might be wondering, like, how do I break out of these patterns? How do I get to a stage where I can, put myself first and stuff like that? And I'm going to be really annoying here because there's not a clear straightforward answer because everybody's own experience and reasons behind people pleasing tendencies.

is individual to them. So to ultimately really get to the root cause of what's driving your people pleasing. As I always say, the key thing I would recommend is therapy. And with a therapist, it's even if it's not myself, a therapist who's familiar with helping people connect the dots and really discovering and identifying the root cause of difficulties and trained in a way that they can.

deliver therapy interventions and tools in session and give you things to do outside of session that will really help you address the root cause is my number one recommendation because that's what I'm about. I'm not about sticking plasters on stuff. I'm about actually let's get to the root so that you can enjoy long, long term change.

rather than something that's just a sticking plaster. But that's not to say that, there aren't some really useful ideas from therapy approaches that do focus more or tend to focus more on the here and now. For instance, if you've heard of cognitive behavioural therapy, that can help make you really aware of the connections between your thoughts, feelings and physical symptoms and how you can get stuck in Unhelpful cycles of thinking, which lead to unpleasant emotions and physical discomfort.

If you were thinking like Oh, I have, if you had the thought of, I have to do this for them, otherwise they're going to think I'm a bad person and not like me anymore. You can imagine how thinking that thought. is going to create anxiety and emotional stress within you, but that anxiety and emotional stress is also going to lead to that release of cortisol and perhaps adrenaline and lead to physical symptoms such as muscle tension or fatigue and just physical sensations that you would relate to feeling stressed.

So one helpful step is, and I always say this, If you've heard my other episodes, you'll start picking up on themes, but first key step is increasing your awareness of what that cycle looks for you. What kinds of thoughts, feelings, physical and emotional do you have in certain contexts? And taking a step back, observing your experience.

of certain situations. Which situations is your people pleasing coming out in more than others and things like that? Notes in what thoughts are associated with that. Other themes within your thoughts. Is it a worry about letting people down or is it a worry about people being angry with you? It's going to be different for different people, but once you begin to recognize the cycles you get stuck in, you can then start looking at the thoughts and asking yourself.

Is that thought I'm having 100 percent fact or is it perhaps my opinion? And nine times out of ten it'll probably be your opinion. And the good thing about opinions is we can challenge them. So a really common technique used within cognitive behavioral therapy is thought challenging and that is where you Start identifying your negative or unhelpful thoughts.

I've got this thought that so and so has not responded to my text message. Therefore, I've upset them. They're no longer my friend or something like that. You would ask yourself, is it a fact or an opinion that's the case? Usually it's an opinion, but you can ask yourself, okay, so I've got this thought.

What facts say that it's 100 percent true? that they are upset with me because they've not replied. Now, you might say I can see they've read it and they've not got back to me. However, bearing in mind the thought is your interpretation, which is they are upset with you because of, because they've not replied to you.

That evidence that you're presenting to support your thought isn't actually factual, because again, it's just an interpretation. And an opinion. So you might find that there's not many facts to 100 percent support the thought that you've got, which is helpful because then we can shift perspective and say, okay, so what facts or evidence suggest that my thought is not 100 percent true?

And then you might be able to start coming up with alternatives. So it could look like, how much they've got going on at the moment. Therefore, they might have got preoccupied with something. Depending on the time of the text, it might be like, Oh, I know she'll be sorting the kids teas out. She's probably read it and replied in her head and not got back to me.

She's not said that she's upset with me. There might be a whole host of things you could come up with once you actually start thinking about it. So it's just allowing yourself to weigh up the facts that support your thought and the facts that actually dispute your thought. And then just considering the evidence that you've come up with.

Ask yourself, okay, so what might be an alternative perspective to this? How might someone else see the situation or interpret it? What might feel like a more realistic way of viewing this? And it'll just, even if you don't believe, the new perspective, it just helps to get into the habit of recognizing that your thoughts usually are not facts.

They're often just stories we tell ourselves based on our past experience or concerns or beliefs that we hold. We often do not see the reality of a situation, we just see our own interpretation of a situation through the lens of our past experiences and our belief system. And then once you can start seeing your thoughts for what they are, i.

e. opinions, you can start to just shift how you're feeling and how you're framing things and start taking a step back and observing situations more for what they are. i. e. your interpretation. However, in my experience, and this is why I trained in more than one approach in terms of therapy approaches, you may find that you can change your thoughts and you get it, you get the concept, you get the technique, but there's something missing.

There's still a mismatch between how you then think. So you might be able to challenge your thought and think differently. But it's not changing ultimately how you feel. And that's often an indicator that deeper work's needed. There's something about where that feeling comes from, usually childhood, a lot of the time, that's stopping you from feeling the difference.

So even if you can think differently, it's stopping you from feeling the difference. And in those cases, it might be that, as I say a more trauma focused therapy might be helpful. And when I say trauma focused therapy, or trauma informed therapy, you don't have to have experienced what you, yourself, may view.

as traumatic or not. Trauma focused or trauma informed therapy can just be really helpful because it looks at what you're going through and your difficulties through a lens of what has happened to you rather than what is wrong with you. By viewing things through the lens of what has happened to you it just means that the therapist will start considering how Certain experiences, certain messages you've received growing up, certain conditioning from like society and culture and environments, et cetera, has contributed to you feeling a certain way about yourself and about the world and other people, et cetera.

And in order to shift how you feel in the present, in my opinion, there needs to be a consideration of what's gone on in the past and how things have shaped you so that you can shape a different way of being for yourself. And that just helps address the deeper emotional stuff that might be driving your people pleasing behaviors.

So I'll just try and bring this together a bit more with some practical steps that you yourself can start implementing to help reduce that self sacrifice and start making your own health a Bit more of a priority. So number one, as I was saying before, I went off on a bit of a tangent. Build your awareness, recognizing when you're sacrificing your needs, when you're saying yes, when you want to say no is it out of fear or obligation?

Are you ignoring what your body's telling you? Are you knackered and you're still taking on extra work, for example? Awareness is the first step to change. So maybe make notes and identify themes. Number two, you could start by setting small boundaries. So when you're thinking boundaries, it doesn't have to be a massive thing that all of a sudden you're going to be saying no to everyone.

Just think of ways where you could start with something small. Maybe it's saying no to one extra task at work or trying to take in, blocking. 15 minutes to yourself in the morning, either at work or before you drive in for the day. I know it's not always practical, so just thinking of your own individual circumstances where you might be able to protect a little bit of your time each day might be a good starting point.

Number three, you're gonna probably feel guilty it's normal because If you are someone with people pleasing tendencies, there will be some association there built up, some negative association about what it means to say no to people and to put yourself before other people, but that feeling of guilt does not mean that you're doing anything wrong.

Try and reframe the guilt as a sign That you're progressing, you're creating healthier patterns for yourself. And try and maybe say to yourself what would I be saying to a friend right now if they'd put this boundary in place and they were feeling like how I'm feeling? And try and remember every time you're saying no to something that drains you, you're saying yes to your health and well being.

And try and frame it in the sense of, the more better health wise you are, Not that I want you to do this, but the more better health wise you are, the better you will feel in terms of being able to help other people. So just framing it in that way might help until you're at a place where you don't feel like you need that to push yourself to put yourself first.

Number four, prioritize rest. Try and So even when I'm saying this, I realize it's not always practical and it's easier said than done. But if you can try and make rest a priority rather than a reward, that would be amazing, wouldn't it? Rather than thinking if I can just do X, Y, Z, then I can chill out and watch a bit of Netflix.

It's trying to just recognize that, to function, we are built to have rest intervals The human body is built for rest. Your body needs downtime, especially if you've been running on empty. Listen to how your body's feeling. Make rest as non negotiable as any other task. And I know it's easier said than done.

I know it's all good and like me saying it to you, but just see and observe. If it feels too much, just make a note of that and be curious about it. Number five. Support. So as people pleasers, you might be the one everyone else comes to with their problems and their issues and their problems to solve.

If you can try and connect and surround yourself with people who tend to be more respectful of your boundaries and You know deep down they want to support you and your well being, then that can only be beneficial for you, even if it feels uncomfortable for you. People who genuinely care about you will understand that you need to take care of yourself first, and if they don't, then that raises questions about the friendship in the first place, doesn't it?

The ending notes here are that prioritizing yourself Is not just about managing stress, it's about reclaiming your health emotionally and physically about understanding that taking care of your own needs allows you to show up in life more fully, more authentically and with more energy. So as you begin to shift away from sacrificing yourself as more, you'll notice the difference.

You'll feel more in control, less anxious, more at peace with the choices you're making. It won't be easy and it does take time, but honestly you'll know yourself if you're constantly knackered. It will be worth it. So this week just see if you can take one small step or just implement one of the things I've spoken about.

It might be setting a boundary or it might just be practicing noticing. The thoughts that you have and asking yourself, is it a fact or an opinion, whatever it is, just know that you're doing it for your own health and your own wellbeing. And like I said earlier, if it helps just reframe it as you have to be well to look after the people that you want to look after.

I don't encourage that because I want you to eventually feel that you want to be well for yourself and that's the priority but if it helps take the edge off how it feels to put yourself first then use that reframe. And as always if you do find this all too difficult to implement then, feel free to reach out for me.

I always offer an initial call to people if they want to find out more about therapy and how I can help them. And I'm happy to have a chat. And you can find me on Instagram. My handle is charlotte underscore Bailey underscore therapies, and please feel free to reach out on there. You can DM me. And let me know if any of this resonated.

And please don't forget to share if you think it would help anyone and subscribe. And you can always let me know if you have any other things you want me to cover. So until next time, thank you so much for listening and I'll see you soon.